‘Freedom’s just another word for
nothing left to lose. ‘
Kris Kristofferson
Excerpt from ‘last train’
Her eyes spark along the Les Mas de Guerrevieille coast, flashing me with questions. Does he trust me? Why not leave? What does he want? Was it my offer? Does he believe in fate?
No I do not.
Do I? Dad did.
High fences box us in, home gardens with swings, paddling pools—a little golf hole where a man practices putting. The sound of kids’ screams fill the air. I wonder why a school is open during the holidays. An athletics ground appears behind a barbed wall, plastered with banners and flags. Kids bounce in the stands as mums dash to a finish line. I’m reminded of a moment that seemed insignificant, when little Archie blew my mind; changed everything. Coincidence? Fate? If you believed in that shite, you looked mad.
We’d attended the race track near my brother’s kid’s school, to watch little Archie come third. Jess didn’t want kids, I thought I didn’t. We discussed how much effort it’d take not to ruin them; to not neglect their endless silly questions and snap at them like we did when we were frustrated with each other. We decided we’d wait, grow up a bit more. “Should be ready by forty,” I would say and grin. She agreed, thirty eight was still doable for her. I couldn’t let the thought go that I might change once I held my baby in my arms—I was missing out on something everyone raves about.
My brother’s kids were seven and nine, Archie and Melanie. Their school was on the way to my office. As my sister-in-law was looking frazzled every time I popped over for a cuppa, I offered to drive them to school. She happily said yes.
The first morning, a Monday, I woke up full of pep. A hair dryer was going when I went downstairs and kissed Jess—she always woke a half hour earlier to do her hair. I made breakfast like it was Christmas, buzzing. When I pulled up outside my brother’s house, I kept it bottled, wasn’t taking them to Disneyland; school was for learning.
When I saw their little puffer jackets, hoods up even though it was spring, their little cute grumpy faces, I went a bit funny. I gripped the wheel, turned it back and forth until they copped me. “Alright.” I dropped my chin, winked, gave the aul cheeky chappy, “Let’s go, you two munchkins.”
Archie came down the path on a mission. Melanie stooped and looked back at her mum with disdain or mistrust. My sis-in-law waved at me and then poked her nose forward, gestured to her only girl to stop being silly.
Archie yanked on the handle and said “Uncle Cal, this is not a good start.” He was unimpressed that the door wasn’t pre-unlocked, that I hadn’t got his mum’s planning skills.
Both just waited by the door, arms by their sides, bags hanging off like they had the weight of the world in there and I lived the easy life. I was hit by how vulnerable kids are—trusting the adults around them—and how imperfect we are. As I switched off the engine, I wondered if me and Jess were just scared to take a punt, work it out day by day.
I got out, rounded the car, looked at my sis and shook my head. I gave her the aul roll of the eyes, looked down at the nippers and back at her, shook it again in amazement at how she looked happy even though tired. In the mornings, Jess was a grumpy little nipper herself, until she had six coffees and a half pack of fags inside her. My sis-in-law always smiled, always solid and sure about her choices.
She watched the kids jump in the back of the car. I closed the door behind with a soft thud, ran around, winked and said thanks, and I hopped in the front. From that day on, I took them to school, looking forward to the routine, seeing my sis each morning, how she looked back at me like I was finally getting it. I was.
Until little Archie put a spanner in the works.
He was one of those naughty kids with a tactical brain; made a fuss so others got upset, stirred things with intention. His naughtiness looked less naughty with all that storm he created. Comic relief, I called it. People enjoy things stirred up a little; gets ye going. I laughed, egged him on. But after a few months of school runs, I wasn’t sure if I could handle the day-to-day of it.
My bro had checked out most days, only had to switch on for a few hours in the evening. With me working from home half the time, and Jess always at the office, I’d likely be designated carer. Then the thing happened that made me doubt I was ready, and made me question if I knew anything about how the world works.
Archie was sat in the back, talking like a grown up as usual. A girl in his school talked about everyone. He rabbited on about how she never talked about herself—had a little know-it-all attitude at that age. It astounded me, made me laugh when he said, “She’s always talking about the boys she likes, until they like her. Then she doesn’t like them.” He had all the details ready for his big sis, trying to impress her.
I adjusted the rear-view. Mel nodded knowingly, distracted by her tablet as usual and told him to “Sha ap Alfie. When you like someone, you’re not supposed to tell ‘em.”
“Why not?”
“Just cos.”
He had a go at her, told her to pay attention and not assume things. ‘Grandad’(my Dad) ‘always says, yesterday will not be the same as today.’ Archie had learned the only lesson I valued, and all in his short seven years. I almost teared up. The way he protected his big sis, like he was preparing her—in his mischievous way—for what people don’t like. Games.
Secrets. Lies.
I sighed at how little Mel cared about learning, how she would have to find out the hard way. Easy ways seemed better to Archie. Happy little life. Cheeky little chappie ways. Both brilliant kids all the same, lovely in that confrontational and far-too-knowing way.
But then Archie looked at Mel and said—as if speaking for her: “Not that way.”
I looked in the rear view and noticed the spark gone in them. Mel kept her head down. Hiding a secret? Archie looked at me, almost trance like. “Not that way uncle, Cal.”
“You what mate? Why not?”
Mel glanced up and rolled her eyes.
Archie insisted, “I want to go the other way.”
I usually drove out of my way anyway, a three-minute detour that took us through a nice part of town with street art on the bridges and barges parked along the river. It was more inspiring for kids than rows of shops.
“Why that way?” I turned and copped Mel. “Get your feet off the back of the seat, Mel, darlin’.”
She rolled her eyes, looked down and kept her feet there.
Archie frowned, put on the cheeky face but trance-like all the same. “I just want to go that way, Uncle Cal.”
I checked my wing mirrors. “Nah mate, I’m in a hurry this morning.”
He sat through, said soft, “Go that way, Cal.”
I shrugged. “What’s down there?”
He said nothing, just looked until I indicated left.
He wanted right. Mel started kicking the back of my seat. Archie joined in, both fake crying like babies, “I want to go that way. I want to go that way. I. Want. To. Go. That. Way!”
I flicked the indicator right, took the detour. “Happy now, little sorts? Mugging me off.”
They chuckled and relaxed.
I watched their eyes in the rear view. What was so interesting about some boring suburban street? Maybe Mel had a boy she was into. Their eyes didn’t stray from Mel’s tablet, until I got back on a main road. I sat in traffic, shaking my head, thinking of an excuse that’d wash with my boss.
After I dropped them off at the gates and watched them go inside, I sped to the office. I broke a red light, or three, and made it five minutes late.
Once the elevator doors pinged open, I realized something was up. The office was in a frenzy. People running about, shouting, papers strewn about the floor. The new girl slipped on a page, spread eagle. She didn’t curse or laugh. I picked her up.
“There’s been a bombing on a bus!” she said. “Mass casualties.”
“No way. Where?”
“Old Street station.”
I couldn’t believe it and pulled at my shirt collar, undid a button. “When?”
“Twenty minutes ago?”
I did a quick calculation. I had the route down to an art, traffic and all. “Twenty minutes ago? I’d have been stuck in…” A traffic jam after Great Eastern Street. I’d have pulled up outside Old Street station, twenty minutes ago. No doubts!
I looked at my phone, thought about calling the school, then about Archie’s detour. “What the hell?”
She looked back. “What?”
“My little nephew, he—daft, it doesn’t matter.”
I dialed the school and put the phone to my ear—asked the new girl before she sped off, “How many casualties?”
She bowed her head. “They say it’s bad, bodies everywhere.”
“Jesus Christ.”
I spent the morning calling everyone, told them to get out of London. I never gave Archie’s detour much weight. Just a coincidence. Dumb luck or whatever.
Now a woman with my blood—that. 1% of people have—just shows up on the same train. A bloody freight train!What are the chances?
END OF EXCERPT
Blurb
When two digital nomads find an abandoned van, they uncover a story about a young woman who falls in love with a North Korean defector and helps him escape—but all is not how it first appears.
Forest of lies
Excerpt from Hyun’s memoir, found in the forest:
I was about to give a decade of my life away, willingly. Conscription is a minimum of ten years. The Central Military Commission set annual target quotas which were implemented by schools. Children of political elites were often exempt from serving in the army, unless they chose to. Those with a lower social status (bad Songbun) faced, let’s say, challenges.
My brother, Joon, who was two years younger, had asthma and would likely be exempt. My other two brothers, much younger at five and seven, were turning out to be healthy—despite poor nutrition and cold water in the taps—and they would likely have to give ten years service too.
I was determined to set a good example for them, show them how to do it like a man. As I would never do better than factory work, I was also determined to make life as easy as possible by excelling as a soldier. If I signed up to any training available, maybe I could get a promotion and raise my family’s status some more.
As I sit here, far from the oppressive grip of my government, I can’t help but reflect on the doctrine that warped my mind and still does: Songun, not to be confused with Songbun—which sounds like a song about a gun. The irony.
Songun is the military-first policy, which prioritizes food and resources, such as electricity and hot water, for soldiers at the expense of civilians. It was omnipresent, and something we all accepted as normal. It wasn’t until I met Francesca, did I begin to understand the full impact of this doctrine on me.
From a young age, we were taught that the military was the backbone of our nation, the ultimate protector of our identity. As a working-class boy, joining the military was both an honor and necessary. I looked forward to the call.
The day I was conscripted was one of great pride, one I will never forget but for all the wrong reasons. Rather than a speaker calling me outside, there was a knock at the door. For weeks, we had waited for this arrival. My brothers had worried the most, knowing that I, who stood between their imaginary world of my storytelling and reality, was about to be stolen from them. My dreams sustained my parents too, who often listened whenever I left the bedroom door open for them. When those six officials knocked, we knew it was over. I was leaving, and the stories that once filled our house would fall silent.
Dad let the recruiters in and called me out of my room. I felt a mixture of pride at being able to defend my people, dread about being taken from the love of my family, and determination to be the best soldier to have ever worn the uniform. Despite what I knew about Songbun and my family’s low status, I believed I could change our destiny: get a promotion, even become a recruiting officer one day.
The recruiters were very kind and respectful, which was a cruel lie. Their warmth and friendliness lasted to the end of the path. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and another pushed me in my back before I could wave at my family. I did not get the chance to look each one in the eye and reassure them that no matter what, I would always be me. Hyun.
As I was marched to the truck, I glanced at my brothers. Their faces were knotted from trying not to cry, lips stiffened and trembling. Joon balled his fists and I caught his eye, barely, but enough to know he would take my leaving the hardest. He had to take over the storytelling and he always ran out of things to say.
In a way he was resentful of me and more so because I went so willingly. In his mind, a betrayal. And knowing how he held onto things, I wondered if he could ever forgive me.
I was shoved into the back of the truck where I saw two lines of frightened eyes. The faces of boys sitting there, all statues, seemed under the spell of a big steely eyed man who peered at me until I sat.
As I was driven away, I saw my family go inside without looking back.
It was then that my indoctrinated pride in Songgun got its first crack.
I had never ventured beyond the high walls of my town and was surprised to find a large army base just a few kilometres outside. It was dug into the mountainside and walled off like a prison. The armed guards stationed on towers, every hundred metres, compounded the feeling that I was to be a prisoner first and a soldier second.
Once we were pushed out of the trucks, I was told to stand in line with a hundred other teenage boys, all of us barely seventeen, our faces expressing more fear than pride or determination. An officer with narrow eyes and a small red speaker to his mouth told us we were heroes, before yelling at us to march to the barracks.
We scrambled to obey; be e good! We were obedient to the commands, like our parents had taught us, like our grandparents had taught them.
I felt physically strong but mentally weak as I shuffled forwards, panicking inside. When I saw the rows of metal bunks, each with a thin mattress and a scratchy grey blanket, I felt my energy drain.
The air smelled of sweat and disinfectant. I was given a musty uniform that was too big. Some were too small for others. My boots pinched my feet and one sock had a hole in the heel. There was no room for complaints; we were soldiers now.
Once we were dressed, we were ordered to strip again. I was not sure if this was a method of control or simply poor planning by the man with the speaker who seemed slow to me.
Cupping our private bits, we were marched towards the sound of hissing water—which filled me with horrible memories of the cold water I’d been forced to shower with growing up. Hot water was permitted on our Glorious Leader’s birthday and the anniversary of past leaders’ deaths, pumped into the building like a gift from the gods. I was positive that soldiers were treated with more respect than workers and steaming hot water awaited me.
My imagination ran wild as we shuffled forwards, remembering months before when I had last felt warm water on my skin. My heart sank when I saw a seamless room and boys shivering beneath water jets.
I was freezing when I got into bed and wrapped the thin grey blanket around me. The training had begun: cold weather adaptability! All night I lay awake, dreaming of my old bed, the trickling of the gutters that soothed me to sleep while my brother’s wheezing snores tried to keep me awake. I’d have given anything to go back, just for one night, and return the next day.
We were woken at dawn by the blare of the loudspeaker, the same whipping voice that had dictated to us the day before. We were given exactly five minutes to make our beds, dress, and line up outside. I was determined to do it the quickest and was one of the first to make it to the frosty courtyard. Stragglers were beaten around the back of their legs and arms and made an example of throughout the morning.
100 star jumps, 100 squats, 100 pushups. If you couldn’t do it, you were beaten. Everyone felt just how painful those thick batons were. Breakfast was a bowl of watery porridge, barely enough to sustain us through the next drills.
We ran for miles exhausted. Lunch was slop, which we were made to eat in silence—battons tapping the tables whenever one of us looked sideways.
I sipped the lukewarm liquid that contained gristly meat and soggy vegetables, hardly enough to replenish my strength. I sucked salt off my fingers and got a whack across my back for my insolence and tardiness.
In the afternoon, we were given our first introduction to the basics of hand-to-hand combat. Each of us were given a partner, shown a move and the other had to deflect it. We were expected to carry out the moves to perfection! An overhand right counter had to be timed so the attacker was left open; when all his weight was optimally off balance. When we could not execute the move correctly, we were beaten.
My bones and muscles screamed about the injustice: we were boys, it was the first day. The officers showed no concern. One officer, who I began calling Hawk-Eyes, was ready to pounce on any sign of ill-discipline or weakness. When I was sure no more punishment could be put upon us, we were taught to march in perfect unison long into the evening, until our boots hit the ground in a synchronized thud. The sound of pain still echoes in my head. It would from the moment I lay shivering that second night.
Ideological training was just as intense. Hawk-Eyes’ baton against our shoulders kept us sitting up straight for hours, stuck in a grey, claustrophobic, windowless classroom. We sat through propaganda films, which were blasted out of crackly speakers, that hurt our ears; lectured about becoming men through pain and endurance, about the greatness of our Supreme Leader and the weakness and evils of the outside world.
Those five-hour long films painted a picture of a utopia. Any dissenting thoughts were quickly picked up on by Hawk-Eyes, and his baton was thumbed. We learned quickly to nod in enthusiastic agreement. I, the one who took the lead in nodding, felt my heart rebelling.
I learned to march, run, and fight with conviction—despite my mind blurring from exhaustion and fear. I got used to being pushed about, physically and mentally. When one of us fell ill—our bodies unable to cope with the cold at night and the pain in the day—we were forced to run. To push through it was to show you were a man. Sympathy was weakness; a boy’s privilege.
The shock of no respite never left my body, yet I perfected the art of looking like it had, like the soldier that my country needed.
My face changed along with my physique, drastically. More chiseled and hard. I had muscles for the first time in my life and almost felt good about it. The instructors were pushing me to another level. Being a soldier, becoming a man, began to feel special. Those of us who grew strong, our minds more resilient and bodies less sensitive to extreme punishment, were allowed to talk during lunch and bond in the bunkroom. We could whisper at night, and we’d say how this life was not for everybody, “But we can do it.” The fear that had gripped us at the start began to fade, replaced by a grim determination to impress Hawk-Eyes. And he noticed.
We were important men now.
Helping the weaker ones did not go unnoticed, and I began to dream about promotions and becoming a recruiter.
Bonding at night over how the cold showers and batons against our limbs made us laugh, began to fade. The whispered jokes about those who still cried for their mommy in bed, long into the night, sustained us. The harshness of the introduction worked. We were becoming hardened men who felt nothing. Our haircuts were tight, like our leader, we raved about our new style. ‘Some things don’t go out of fashion.’ We were no longer boys but nor were we respected or appreciated by our Glorious Leader. A stick has a way of taking the enthusiasm out of your efforts and you simply act from then on.
The Songun doctrine required us to learn guerrilla tactics—to defend our country against any foreign aggression. The emphasis was on resilience, and self-reliance, when we were stripped of everything but a canister of water and marched into the mountains. We were regularly told that one day America would invade, and we would have to hit them and run.
We were permitted to write home once a month. My parents, who were told they would receive my extra food rations due to my service, were in fact doing worse. The men’s whispers at night shifted to how the military thrived, while the civilian population suffered food shortages and electricity rationing. Yet even our lives were punishing. The whole country was suffering. My coping mechanism of dreaming away my troubles twisted not only my bedsheets but my thoughts. I cried for my mother, a man, alone in his bunk.
My mother was afraid to write about the true state of things after she received a visit—due to her first letter. I could tell by the somberness of her words that the disparity between the promises made and reality was starker than I imagined.
The crack in my national pride was widening.
Any criticism of policy was dangerous, we learned about the consequences when my friend, Park Ji-ho—the best hand-to-hand fighter in our regiment—was taken in the night and never seen again. With my mother’s love of revolutionary leaders guiding my way, I was counting the days until I was taken.
END OF EXCERPT
SHORT STORY I WROTE IN COLLEGE
Short Story: The Piano Tuner of Versailles
by D.D. Brennan
Leo ran his finger over the Blüthner’s gold leafe applicae, admiring the craftmanship carved into the Roccoco white polished lacquer. The fallboard meeting the key bed with a muffled thud gave him as much joy as getting to play such an exceptional instrument. Closing the lid of the unique grand, he felt guilty for again harbouring an overwhelming wish to own it. His passion was so heady that he often thought about fabricating a problem with it and offering to buy from Katrina, but he could never afford it even at a quarter of the price. One way or another, he would find a way to make it his.
He pressed his deck shoes onto each of the three gold pedals once more to check that the tension in the springs were to his liking. Switching from hard to soft soles made all the difference to a virtuosa like Katrina Valentina.
Once a month he let himself into Katrina’s home to tune the Blüthner Supreme Special Edition with 24-carat gold inlay. In three years, he had met her only three-and-a-half times. Hired by her manager after a recommendation by composer, Alfred Shumer, he had managed to spend two afternoons a month inside her home for the first year without encountering her.
Their first meeting transpired when she descended the spiral stairwell in the hall. She was a sweep of blond locks and avocado eyes, pausing in her white chiffon negligee to huskily enquire, “Could you pay special attention to the damper, please?” before disappearing back upstairs.
He could only nod, so struck was he by her lonely presence. The memory of her body reposed along the banister like a bass clef lingered for days. Afflicted by concern for her, heavy emotions remained with him whenever he returned, hoping to meet her again and perhaps comfort her.
The second time they met was eighteen-months later, an accident. He was exiting her home one morning with his little brown leather bag of tools. She arrived with her arm linked by a dismissively brash man in a tux, sporting a thin moustache and impeccable skin. Her eyes barely met Leo’s but said more than her polite, “Oh, hello again.” Enough for Leo to animate worries about her safety before he dutifully left. The third time was a day later when Leo returned to hear the Blüthner after its rest day and to make any minuscule adjustments needed.
Katrina entered the piano room composed and indifferent towards a subtle tone of fear in her voice. “Can I offer you anything?” she muttered, eyes reaching for him.
“I’m fine,” he said, trying not to show he noticed more about her state of mind than was professionally acceptable.
Again, she quietly begged companionship in her contrived, “Lemon tea?”
“Okay, thank you.” He accepted despite a dislike for it, but he would not allow himself a second glance at her naked body beneath her gossamer robe. As she passed the rear bay windows, he kept his mind tuned to the Blüthner as his heart skipped three heavy knocks.
“My pleasure,” she said, flatly feigning freeness, turning back to gaze at him.
“Actually, I have my flask. Don’t trouble yourself,” he said, staring at his little leather bag then faking a polite smile.
She glanced at the stairs suggestively. “It’s no trouble.”
He unnoticed what he could hardly ignore and returned his attentions to the Blüthner. “I’m fine with my flask, thank you.”
Despite the invitation in her voice, every finite turn of his tool was to him equal to her perfectly weighted key presses. His passion for perfectionism was his concert.
Once more she said, “Lemon tea,” while ascending the stairs, her waif body turned halfway to him, empty eyes calling.
“Thank you, I’m good.”
Something quivered in her like a sustained G-3 in need of tuning, he noted as she slinked back upstairs, sipping coffee from his flask. He turned a screw an exact sixteenth of a millimetre and gave the C-5 three little taps: clink, clink, clink.
“Perfect,” he muttered. Perfect in that he liked it to be imperceptibly flat, which felt more human to him. “We will breathe life into the now and then once more, Katrina,” he muttered, looking at the empty stairwell, obediently ignoring how his voice had cracked and trailed off saying her name.
Their third-and-a-half meeting occurred four months later. Her manager had asked him to come at a specific time. Nervous at the thought of running into her again, he arrived without his soft shoes and decided to return the next day instead. The sound of her playing the Blüthner drifted through the open sash windows and made the hairs on his neck stand up. Clair de Lune was rarely played with such untainted feeling and precision.
It was this half meeting that gave him the most insight into Katrina, who assumed no audience. Hearing her spirit alive and pure, unaffected and authentic, filled him with a passion he knew would linger for days. A light rain soaked heavy into his wool coat as he waited below the window, wondering if a woman like Katrina might consider falling in love with someone like him. They possessed, after all, passion, perfectionism and a love of piano. Since meeting her, he was forced to admit, getting lost in his work could no longer keep at bay his troubling loneliness. Her passions now possessed notes of his obsession.
As he left, he shook himself free of the fantasy. Katrina might not have been so put together in reality as she was behind the piano. Plus there could be no real interest in a romance with someone like him, dishevelled, a workaholic and needily falling in love.
I’m content being the unsung magician behind her music, he thought as he skulked away.
*
Returning the next morning, the day before Katrina’s biggest concert in the Opéra Royal de Versailles, he lets himself in with his key. He pays attention to the ambiance inside the house; its absence. “She must be out.”
Sitting on the stairs where he first glimpsed her bent over the banister, he remembers every encounter with her. He wiggles his toes into his deck shoes and turns his thoughts towards the acoustics in the piano room. A touch on the A-3 is all she needs, perhaps a little on the F#-4. As he turns his head, his eyes find a sight his mind refuses to comprehend. Katrina lays lifeless on top of the keyboard, her blonde hair matted with the darkest of clarets. Beside her blood-speckled white fluffy slippers lies a small silver revolver.
He scrambles towards her, his voice breathy with a hi-pitched pine for the few times he had met her, all flashing through his mind with a sickening thump of his heart. He stops over her unencumbered body and looks at a scrawled note left on the music rack:
Thank you for your excellence, Leo. Alas, to maintain perfection we must be alone; unadulterated. I now know you are burdened by a similar passion and lonely soul. They breed madness and sickness, which my spirit can no longer endure. I hope you accept my offer this time.
With contrite glee, he murmurs the last line, “The piano is yours.”